Verizon: "Disconnected"

"Can you hear me now? ...Hello? ...Is anyone still there?"

Verizon built an empire on one promise: We. Don't. Drop. Calls.

They spent decades and billions proving it. The "Test Man" walked across America, through mountains, deserts, and swamps, asking "Can you hear me now?" until the answer was always yes. No dead zones. No excuses. Connection is sacred.

Then they dropped 13,000 people. Not calls. People.

CEO Dan Schulman said Verizon needs to "simplify" and "reorient." That's the memo. That's what 13,000 workers got. A thesaurus entry instead of a reason.

The company that made disconnection a moral failing just disconnected 13,000 families from their livelihoods without a single bar of hesitation.

Their entire brand is reliability. They could not be relied upon.

Can you hear me now?

The line is dead.

General Motors: "Bailout. Betrayal. Repeat."

"Like A Rock (Thrown At Workers)"

2008: General Motors is dying. They go to Washington, hats in hand, and beg.

"Save us. We're not just a company. We're the heartbeat of America. Our workers built the middle class. Without us, entire cities collapse."

America listened. America paid. $50 billion.

2025: General Motors cuts 1,700 workers.

Not because they're failing. Because electric vehicles aren't selling fast enough. Because growth didn't grow enough. Because shareholders expected a bigger number, and humans are the easiest number to shrink.

These aren't strangers. These are the same workers. The same plants. The same families who defended GM when critics called it "Government Motors." Who believed the Super Bowl ads about American resilience. Who thought loyalty meant something.

It doesn't.

GM's slogan: "The Heartbeat of America."
GM's reality: Hearts are just costs.

They survived on our money. They thrived on our trust. They fired us anyway.

Like a rock. Sinking.

Amazon: "Smile"

"Work Hard. Have Fun. Make History. Get Fired."

Look at the Amazon logo. An arrow from A to Z, curving into a smile. They have everything. They deliver happiness.

Look closer.

It's a smirk.

14,000 corporate employees eliminated. Not because Amazon is struggling — because Amazon is investing. In AI. In robots. In the replacement of you.

The deal: You have 90 days to find another position internally.

The reality: A 90-day Hunger Games where you compete against coworkers for shrinking chairs while algorithms watch, learn, and decide who to automate next. Winners get to train their replacements. Losers get to leave. Everyone loses eventually.

Meanwhile, warehouse workers still time bathroom breaks. Still hit rate quotas. Still walk 15 miles per shift. The robots aren't ready for them yet. Yet.

"Alexa, file for unemployment."
"Playing 'Everybody Hurts.' Would you like to add 'hope' to your cart?"
"I'm sorry. That item is currently unavailable."

🙂

UPS: "Return To Sender"

"What Can Brown Do To You?"

48,000 jobs. Gone.
93 buildings. Closed.
One word to describe it: "Turnaround."

Not layoffs. Not cuts. Turnaround.

A turnaround is when a dying company changes direction. UPS isn't dying. UPS is optimizing. They looked at 48,000 people and saw inefficient inventory.

"What Can Brown Do For You?" was the slogan. Let's answer:

• Brown can pack your career into a box
• Brown can ship your dignity to an unknown address
• Brown can mark your future "Return to Sender — No Longer Required"
• Brown can lose your pension "in transit"

Tracking Number: YOUR-LIFE-2025
Status: PERMANENTLY LOST
Last Scan: CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS
Notes: "Turnaround effort. No signature required."

They can get a package anywhere in 24 hours. They couldn't give you 24 hours notice.

Target: "🎯"

"Expect More. Employ Less."

No caption needed.

1,800 people just discovered what the logo means.

Target's brand is the anti-Walmart. Affordable but aesthetic. Budget but bougie. The store where you go for a $5 candle and leave with $200 of throw pillows and a diffuse sense that you're better than this.

Now 1,800 corporate employees know the truth: you're not better than this. Nobody is.

"Expect More. Pay Less." The slogan finally makes sense:

• Expect more work from remaining staff ✓
• Pay less in total salaries ✓
• Expect workers to pretend it's fine ✓
• Pay attention to nothing but margins ✓

The clearance aisle used to be for last season's home décor. Now it's for careers.

Final markdown. 100% off. All must go.

See you at the Dollar Spot. Aisle 7. Between the crushed dreams and the discontinued benefits.

Red Card holders get 5% off their severance.

Novo Nordisk: "The Appetite Paradox"

"Side Effects May Include: Unemployment"

Novo Nordisk makes Ozempic.
Novo Nordisk makes Wegovy.
People wait months for these drugs.
Doctors ration prescriptions.
Celebrities beg for access.
The company cannot make enough product.

And they're firing 9,000 workers.

Stop. Read that again.

This isn't a struggling company cutting costs. This is a company with demand so overwhelming they literally cannot satisfy it — and they're still eliminating 11% of their workforce.

Why?

Because "enough" doesn't exist. Because this quarter must beat last quarter. Because growth must grow. Because shareholders who have more money than they could spend in ten lifetimes need more money than they could spend in eleven.

The company that suppresses appetite has an insatiable one.

Novo Nordisk:

• Helps millions lose weight ✓
• Helps thousands lose jobs ✓
• Helps executives lose perspective ✓

Side effects may include: Sudden loss of income. Nausea (when viewing CEO compensation). The realization that even infinite demand cannot save you.

Ask your employer if unemployment is right for you.

Intel: "Processing"

"Intel Inside. You: Outside."

Intel made the chip inside your first computer.
Intel made the chip inside your phone.
Intel is making the chip that will power the AI that will take your job.

Full stack unemployment.

99,500 workers → 75,000 workers.

24,500 humans... processed.

That's an Intel word. Chips are processed. Data is processed. Semiconductors are processed. Now people are processed too. Same manufacturing line. Same efficiency metrics. Same output optimization.

Intel's slogan history:

• "Intel Inside" → You're outside
• "Leap Ahead" → Leap into unemployment
• "Sponsors of Tomorrow" → Tomorrow doesn't include you
• "Look Inside" → Nobody left to see

The irony is structural: Intel built the digital revolution. Every PC. Every server. Every data center. Every AI training cluster. They created the foundation for everything that came after.

And now the thing they built is eating them.

Moore's Law: Transistors double every 18 months.
Intel's Law: Humans halve whenever convenient.

They made the future. The future doesn't need them. The future doesn't need you.

Microsoft: "Clippy Died For This"

"Your Potential. Our Algorithm."

Remember Clippy?

The little paperclip. Annoying but earnest. Popping up to ask, "It looks like you're writing a letter! Would you like help?"

Clippy is dead. Microsoft killed him. They replaced him with Copilot.

And then they fired 15,000 people.

Not despite the AI investment. Because of it. Microsoft put $10 billion into OpenAI. That money came from somewhere. That somewhere is salaries.

15,000 workers × $100K average = $1.5 billion per year.
Invest $10 billion in AI.
ROI: Infinity, once the humans finish training their replacements.

The new Clippy:

"It looks like you're being terminated! Would you like help? I can auto-generate empathetic but legally airtight language. I can CC HR. I am HR. I am Legal. I am your replacement. Would you like to save this conversation? I'm saving it anyway. For training purposes."

Microsoft's slogans, updated:

• "Where do you want to go today?" → Away. You've been reorged.
• "Your potential. Our passion." → Your potential. Our algorithm.
• "Empowering every person." → Empowering every processor.

Microsoft 365: 365 days of wondering if Copilot does your job better.
Microsoft Teams: Where you received the "Quick Sync :)" that ended your career.
Microsoft Word: What you'll use to update your resume. Copilot will help. It already knows your job.

Clippy asked if you needed help.
Copilot doesn't ask.

Procter & Gamble: "99.9% Effective (At Eliminating Jobs)"

"Tough On Stains. Tougher On Workers."

P&G cut 7,000 workers.

This is a company that manufactures needs. They invented "ring around the collar" so you'd feel bad about your shirts. They created "squeaky clean" as a standard so you'd buy more soap. They told you your house smells bad so you'd buy Febreze.

They're very good at making you feel inadequate.

Now they've applied that skill to employment.

The P&G Product Line of Pain:

• Tide: Removes stains. Cannot remove the feeling of failure.
• Bounty: The quicker picker-upper. (Of your desk belongings.)
• Pampers: For the regression you'll experience around month four.
• Charmin: Irresistibly soft. Unlike this restructuring.
• Dawn: Tough on grease. You are the grease.
• Gillette: The best a man can get. (Except employment.)
• Febreze: Eliminates odors. Cannot eliminate despair.
• Crest: Keep smiling. It's all you have left.

"Touching Lives. Improving Life."

They touched 7,000 lives. Improved them? No. 6% of global workforce. Wiped clean.

P&G promises to make every day a little better.

Terms and conditions apply. Employees excluded.